Childhood Patterns.
Do you ever feel uncomfortable letting people get close to you? Are you constantly seeking validation and approval from those you love? Does your low self-esteem have you putting the women in your life on a pedestal?
If you’ve found yourself in toxic relationships or avoiding intimacy altogether, it could be because of a childhood pattern unconsciously repeating itself. Failing to address the underlying cause for relationship dysfunction is like continuously pumping up a tyre without removing the nail, it will only get you so far before it goes flat again or you crash.
Here’s the stuff they don’t teach us in school.
Without conscious intervention, your adult relationships will tend to mimic that of the love you received, (or didn’t receive) as a child. As a result, how secure or insecure you are in romantic relationships will, to an extent, be in proportion to the quality of bonding you had with your primary caregiver during early years.
From the moment you were born you relied on your mother or caregiver to provide you with love, comfort, security and safety, especially during times of stress. She was your earliest example for what relationships look like and provided you an essential model for how to interact with the world and everyone in it.
Psychoanalyst and psychiatrist John Bowlby’s research led him to discover what is now called attachment theory, which illustrates how the earliest relationships formed during childhood determine how bonds will be formed throughout life. According to attachment theory, there are four primary attachment styles of which one (or more) set of characteristics will be adopted.
Secure Attachment – Low Anxiety, Low Avoidance.
As a child;
If your earliest interactions were with parents from a supportive environment who consistently responded to your needs, you will likely have developed a secure attachment style.
A secure attachment formed if;
- Your caregiver was attuned to your needs as a child, even if not expressed by you.
- Your needs were met.
- You felt seen and heard.
- You felt loved.
- You felt as though you were part of the family.
- Your emotions were validated.
- You could rely on your caregiver for safety and support.
When you learn it is safe to rely on others for support, security and comfort, a secure attachment is formed. Having a secure attachment means you are likely to form healthier relationships and have a higher level of overall satisfaction.
As an adult you;
- Deal with conflict in a constructive manner.
- Listen to your partner.
- Manage your emotions.
- Interact more confidently with potential partners.
- Rely on others for support.
- Experience fewer negative emotions after breakup and start dating sooner.
If your parents were not attuned and your emotional needs were not met, you may have learned the world is not safe, and that other people cannot be trusted.
Trauma.
A misattuned parent may have been the result of being overworked or depressed, drug or alcohol abuse, their own personal upbringing or unresolved trauma. If your parents did not consciously deal with their own trauma then fragments of it were likely passed down to you during childhood in one way or another. Even if you are not currently aware, any trauma you may have experienced is affecting the way you perceive the world and your place in it.
It is worth noting that the type of trauma we are talking about here can be defined as any experience that is perceived as being painful or unsettling and falls under two categories, abuse and neglect.
Trauma could have been physical, emotional, psychological or a mixture. It could have been a major event like sexual abuse or being beaten, or it could have been more subtle and harder to detect.
More subtle forms of childhood trauma look like;
- A parent denying your reality.
- Not being seen or heard.
- Having a parent who couldn’t regulate their own emotions.
- Being ignored or rejected.
- Having your emotions downplayed.
- Being told how to feel.
- Being abandoned by a parent.
If you were raised by a misattuned parent in a volatile environment and/or experienced traumatic situations during childhood then an insecure attachment style may have formed. As you’re reading this take note of anything that resonates with you.
Avoidant/Dismissive – Low Anxiety, High Avoidance.
If your caregiver was not present or emotionally available during times of distress, you may have found trusting them difficult. As a result, you may have learned to reject the need for intimacy as a sort of safe-guard protection mechanism.
As a child your;
- Caregiver was not responsive to your needs.
- Caregiver rejected your needs.
- Caregiver avoided displays of emotions.
- Caregiver was reserved and pulled back during times of distress.
As a result, you became uncomfortable with your emotions and learned not to rely on others to soothe or comfort you. You’ve since grown into an adult who places a high value on autonomy and independence.
As an adult you;
- Are unable to express your thoughts and feelings clearly.
- Have difficulty trusting others.
- Minimize emotional experiences.
- Avoid intimacy.
- Pull away when things get serious.
Anxious/Preoccupied – High Anxiety, Low Avoidance.
If the parenting you received during childhood was inconsistent you may have found it difficult to understand the relationship with your caregiver and so developed strong feelings of uncertainty, not knowing what to expect.
As a child; (Also known as ambivalent)
- Your parents were inconsistent – sometimes nurturing, sometimes cold.
- You did not know what to expect.
- Your mother came to you to fulfill her own need for love and validation.
- Your caregiver may have had an anxious attachment style.
- You experienced abuse.
As a result of receiving inconsistent love, you developed a low self-worth, making it difficult for you to feel good enough in relationships. As an adult this low self-worth is unconsciously triggered by intimate partners, particularly if things are not going the way you would like them to.
As an adult you;
- Tend to seek more validation and approval.
- Are attuned to your partners needs but feel a low sense of worth in the relationship.
- Have low self-esteem.
- Fear abandonment.
- Are clingy and desperate.
- Put others needs first.
- Are jealous and frustrated if your partner is unavailable.
- Find relationships to be a source of both comfort and anxiety.
Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant – High Anxiety, High Avoidance.
As a child you were abused physically, mentally and/or emotionally by your parent or caregiver. As a result you came to view your biggest source of safety and security as a source of fear and something to avoid.
As a child;
- Your parents behaviour was highly unpredictable.
- You were verbally, physically, or sexually abused.
- You witnessed an abusive caregiver.
- You learned not to trust in your caregiver/s.
You have since grown into an adult who views relationships as unpredictable and a source of pain, making intimacy exceedingly difficult.
As an adult you;
- Fear being hurt by people close to you.
- Want love and affection but are afraid to seek it.
- Are unable to regulate your emotions.
- Have severe anxiety.
- Have contradictory thoughts and behaviour, “I hate you, don’t leave me.”
Finding Your Power.
The tough reality is that many of us have experienced some form of trauma or neglect in our childhood that lends influence to our current perception of the world. This realization can be quite disheartening and difficult to reminisce. The thought alone can stir feelings of anger, bitterness, and blame.
It’s important to understand that your parents could only meet you where they were met by their parents, or where they met themselves along their own journey. Your healing journey begins only once you acknowledge the deep-seated wounds you bear, but alas relinquish the need to paint yourself the victim.
In order to heal it is essential to view your mother/caregiver as being broken and realize that whatever happened was not your fault. In fact, any abuse or neglect you were subject to was a truer reflection of your caregivers problems than that of yours.
This is not the same as minimizing or ignoring the impact your parents and early relationships had on you, but instead about reclaiming the power you are unconsciously still sending to them.
Healing.
Regardless of chronological age, there is a part of your psyche which continues to reflect your childhood conditioning and may spontaneously take the driver’s seat of your consciousness whenever it feels triggered or let down by situations in the present. This is called the ‘inner child.’
For example, if your mother did not nurture or touch you as a child, you may have developed an underlying belief that you are not worthy or good enough. This core wound may be unconsciously triggered in the present moment by your wife denying you sex, resulting in a seemingly unjustified emotional reaction.
Your wife may have her own issues she is dealing with, but rather than finding out, you take the rejection quite personally and retreat into yourself, perhaps even telling yourself she doesn’t love you or that you are good enough.
These beliefs and reactions are the work of your wounded inner child who is still unconsciously seeking validation and approval.
In order to heal, it is now more important than ever to give your inner child that which you did not receive during your childhood. This is the conscious act of ‘reparenting.’ The first step to reparenting is having the insight and awareness around whatever is triggering you.
Using the example above as a reference, it is important to discern your emotional reaction and respond appropriately to the present situation. If feelings and emotions arise that are disproportionate to the situation, welcome them in the same way you would console a wounded child, with curiosity and compassion.
If, upon contemplation you acknowledge and recognise a deeper wound to be the source of your reaction then stop, ask your inner child what it needs and then do your best to fulfil that need.
For example, if you realize that your wife denying you of sex presses a deeper wound of feeling unworthy, you will begin the healing journey by giving yourself the love you desire, rather than seeking validation and approval from your wife.
You repeat that which you do not heal.
Without conscious intervention you will continue to repeat childhood patterns and relationship dynamics into adulthood. You are drawn to relive past patterns and conditioning because;
They are familiar and therefore ‘safe’.
Have you ever been in, or known someone in an unhealthy, toxic, or abusive relationship that, even amongst the turbulence could not seem to leave? This could be due to having a disorganized or anxious attachment style modelled from an abusive parent during childhood.
Although the relationship is unhealthy, it pings off in the subconscious as feeling familiar and therefore ‘safe.’
If this person finds themselves in a healthy relationship with a secure attachment style, they may begin to feel uncomfortable and unconsciously start a fight or do something in order to create the familiar environment of chaos and instability.
Humans have a propensity to choose that which feels familiar, even if familiar is dangerous or unhealthy.
To rewrite the old narrative.
If you flip the scientific script to take a more spiritual perspective, you could say that each situation in your life serves as a lesson to learn from and grow, and until the lesson is learned you continue to face the same obstacles over and again.
On one hand you might think, ‘I’m ready to get on with my life’ while simultaneously struggling to move forward, continuing to repeat outdated patterns. Consider any pattern which repeats itself in your life to be a good indication of exactly where you need to focus your attention.
Rather than trying to bypass the pain and skip to the happy chapter, you may find yourself being called to dive deeper INTO the pain. It may not be easy, but this is where you will grow and find the lesson necessary for your personal and spiritual evolution.
If you have had a string of bad relationships and can’t work out why, it may be a good time for some self-reflection before choosing your next partner. Ask yourself – what are the common themes in my relationships? What patterns keep emerging? How is this similar to my childhood?
Conclusion.
Although the past may be out of your control, it’s never too late to grab the present by the balls and decide in each moment how you wish to live, taking your power back and using it to build the life and future you deserve.
One of the most powerful things you can do to become a better man, a better partner and a better father is to understand your attachment style and do the necessary work to break the cycle of generational trauma. This will clear the way for deeper, more authentic relationships all round and will also ensure that you don’t unwittingly pass on any of your ‘less desirable’ attributes to your children.
Sitting in the muck can be uncomfortable but, just as a billet of iron must be thrown to flame before being beaten and forged into a sword, you too will find growth befriending the fire.
Everything learned can be unlearned and rewritten. If you’re feeling the call to descend into the dark crevasse of your psyche, I am currently in the process of crafting an article dedicated to your healing journey, so stay tuned!
Happy Healing.
